My sexy fan fiction

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...Or in all situations, at any time, any place, and by any audience for that matter.

It happened when I was only 21. I was playing Halo: Reach because that's one of the best Halo games ever and is better than that stupid gay Halo 5 shit. I was just relaxing and playing the game when all of a sudden Bill Nye came out of the video that was playing in the background because he's the sexiest man alive since Danny Dorito or Mick Romney. He's way more sexy than Obama because I don't like black men. So when Bill Nye the sexy guy came out of the screen he said "I'm going to teach you the science of being fucked kid." He then began touching me up on my fat flaps because I weigh about 400 pounds. I started to get a hard on, but he couldn't tell because my dick was too small and I am too fat. So he took out his Shrek-sized dick and began raping me in the butt. Just then, Mick Romney came from the T.V. that my parents left on titled "Political candidates that people cared about 4 years ago, but now don't because they didn't become the president." The time now was 2016. That could only mean one thing: No one for some reason cares about Mick Romney. I called this bullshit because he was the sexiest candidate that ran during the time I was 18 and attracted to him. He is a very beautiful man, like Glenn Close. He came in and beat up Bill and even took the fake dick he had on that he was fucking me with right off of him. I got really mad because it turned out that Bill was a faker.

I yelled at him and then Mick Romney started to take out his real dick and slapped Bill right in the anus as a signal to gtfo. "This isn't the last of me," said Bill. Me and Mick knew that we had to kill Bill. I thought that was kind of funny and went back to fapping and playing Halo. I didn't want to kill Bill because even though he fucked me with a fake dick, I still loved him for teaching me science. Mick wanted me to so we could defeat him and become the true rulers of the Illuminati and have many of the sexes. I never did chase him, because I'm too fat and lazy. So I went back to playing Halo and eventually joined the Illuminati because Bill and Mick were asshole buddies in it and they needed a third so I went in and had sex with them and other various members like Master Chief, Samus, Shrek, Sgt. Johnson, Jerry Seinfeld, Ted Bundy, Hitler, Stalin, Obama Bin Laden, Jesus, Moses, Newt Gingrich, Gary, Mitcherly (which is Beverly and Mitch together), Jesus's son God, Carlos, Timmy, Corbin, Dawson, Brady Nellie, Snoop Lion, Dr. Drake, Kayae West, Kimmitha Kardashian, Kadaffi, Winston Churchill, Shadur teh edgehog, Sonic.exe, Ben, Eyeless Johnny, Laughing Joke, Jeff the rapper, Tupac, Danny Dorito, Glenn Close, Morgan Butterfreeman, Caterpiss, Pikablue, Brock from Pokeymans, Red from Godzilla SNES, Mario, Liguini, Moder Brain, George Lopez, Hatsune Miku, and of course the sexiest person of them all, Jayden Smith. Well thanx 4 wasting a few years of your time listening to mi dumbass story. I hope you lost some brain cells.

"But this is not the end," a voice boomed. I couldn't recognize the voice, so I got my lazy ass up and looked outside to see who was chanting some more stuff at me. I was really shaken when I saw who it was. It was (pausing for dramatic effect) Tommy. I was shaken because I thought he was still mad at me for stealing all of his Mountain Dew and Doritos and getting into FaZe while he was stuck in the Chinese knockoff, RaZe. He was hollering at me to come outside to show me something. I got of my fat lazy ass to see what it was he wanted to show me. Instead of showing me something, he groped me and then Kim Kardashian came up behind and put me in a brown potato sac. I don't know how I fit inside this bag, because as I've previously stated, I weigh about 400 pounds. I didn't think too much though, because I was inside a bag and being carried off by my best friend and potential boyfriend, Tommy and Kim Kardashian. I hate her so much. She always gets fame even though she doesn't do anything to deserve it and she's just a stupid ugly piece of shit that needs to die in a hole to help America and the rest of the world.

When I woke up, I found myself in a light room with Tommy. He began to pull his dick out and began slapping me in the face with it. I didn't like it because he was too small for me so how did it even hit me in the face and hurt? How the hell am I suppose to know. Anyway, after that painfulness of a 2 centimeter dick hitting me in the face, he took out a gun and proceeded to shove the small handgun up his ass and make weird, orgasmic, ear-wrenching sounds that almost made me die of starvation. I ran out of the room and was stopped by a familiar figure in the hallway. It was Muhammad Ali! I thought he died a long time ago. "Why the hell aren't you dead!?" I screamed. He replied with a sexy boner-enducing voice "I was resurrected by the 7 dragon balls to kill and fuck little fat shits like you." He tried to punch me, but he instead doubled over in pain and I kicked him in his secret Chinese dick. I went out of the ripoff of the FaZe headquarters. I went home and started to fap about Tommy's small dick being slapped on my face, even though it was tiny. After fapping for about 69.3857395749 seconds (I time myself on how long it takes me to fap before blowing all over), I went back to playing Halo. Reach was getting boring, so I decided to get a really super duper ultra mega hyper realistic edgy game: Vampire Rain.

This game was so bad and stupid, but it was so edgggyyyyy that it gave my balls testicular ebola. After my balls started to not hurt from the black man disease, I started playing Halo 2 to get a hard on to Cortana. I was getting ready to fap when all of a sudden Shadur da edgehog came out with his boyfriend, Dr. Robotnik and they started to tango all over my fucking xbox. I got mad and slapped them both with my fat rooolllls and they sat and listened to my fan fiction about Harry Pothead and Jesus getting high together and going on a cereal rampage killing all of the innocent queefies and pegasisters in their path using their telepathic tires and urinal cakes loaded into their ugly gay-looking ultra super mega Jesus-like Xtreme hyperrealistic gun of death. They started to get aroused like I was already and we hid our banners from each other because we hated each other for having been captured and had to farm in hell because it was part of Kojima's secret sex fiction. Then a skeleton popped out, because thats scary and creeepy or funny right? Not, stop trying to be funny author ur just a fat piece. Go kill yourself. Ur jokes are about as idiotic as you were in the third grade.

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