How Halo Reach Ruined My Life

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...Or in all situations, at any time, any place, and by any audience for that matter.

Old copypasta that used to be passed around in 2008 - 2011

I was living a very happy life. I had a beautiful girlfriend whom I loved very much, a decent job, and plans to graduate from college and get a degree in the fine arts and architecture. I had my own house and my own car. I wasn't rich or anything, but I was in good shape. Anyway, life was good. My friends had been telling me about this awesome game called Halo Reach. I played some of the halo games before and they were alright I guess. I didn't really have time for video games anymore, but I did have an xbox 360.

After being pestered to try Reach, I decided to give in. So I borrowed a copy of reach from one of my friends. The campaign was alright. It wasn't amazing, but I had fun. Multiplayer was alright too and I had fun playing matchmaking with my friends. But then we played invasion, I enjoyed it a lot. I loved being on the elite team. The elites kicked ass! So I played invasion a lot. Every time my friends got on, I would ask them to play invasion with me

So after a few days of playing invasion, something weird started to happen. The grunts the elites made when they rolled or sprinted began to appeal to me. They began to turn me on. I felt very uncomfortable about this because I was sexually attracted to my girlfriend. I began to have strange dreams about elites. I dreamed about the naked arbiter from halo 2. They disturbed me greatly and yet I just couldn't stop thinking about them!

One day, when my girlfriend had to visit her family, I got on halo reach. The internet was down so I thought I could mess around in forge or something. But I could not stop thinking about the elites and the grunting noises they made. So I started up a custom game of slayer by myself and used the elite model. I set the sprint loadout to infinite use then I taped the x button. My elite began to sprint and the grunting noises he made were so beautiful!

I couldn't help but become aroused as images of male elites accompanied the grunts emanating from the TV. So I closed my eyes, unzipped my pants and I began to pleasure myself. I imagined that I was a female elite and that a male elite was making love to me. I hadn't been jerking off for 2 minutes when I came. It was so fast!

A week had passed since I jerked off to the sounds of an elite grunting. But I could not get it out of my mind. My girlfriend was beginning to notice that something was on my mind as I was not up to my usual performance in bed. I told her that I was just thinking about work related problems. I found that I was no longer being aroused by my girlfriend. But I did not want to lose her. So I imagined that I was a male elite and that my grunts were his. I also imagined that my girlfriend was me. This seemed to be working in the meantime, but it didn't last for long.

When my girlfriend wasn't around, I would jack off while thinking about the arbiter. Each time was amazing! But, it wasn't enough. I wanted to feel the penetration. So I experimented with different things that could safely emulate the texture and shape of an elite penis. I tried many different things: bananas, pears, the broken off handle of a swiffer, and cucumbers. I finally settled on cucumbers. It hurt at first, but I got used to it. My orgasms doubled in strength. I would turn on halo reach, go into a custom game, get the elite sprinting, lube up the cucumber with vaseline, stick it in me, the masturbate.

Eventually, the cucumbers got too expensive to buy and my girlfriend was getting suspicious about all the "rotten cucumbers" in the garbage. So I had to find a more permanent solution. After some browsing online, I found a special toy store called bad dragon. It was a weird website that sold dragon dildos. I was looking for something that could emulate an elite penis, so I settled on something called the fusion. After a month of waiting for it to arrive, it finally did. Meanwhile, I had spent $100 on cucumbers and vaseline.

I tried it out and it was amazing! The bumps tickled as they went in and they filled me up inside! My orgasms had tripled in strength! Sometimes I almost passed out! It was amazing! But...things went downhill. I got fired from my job because my productivity went down. (I kept masturbating instead of working). I had a hard time finding another job in this economy. Then one day, my girlfriend walked in on me. I didn't hear her get home. She must have heard my groans and my cries of "OH ARBITER!!!" because she walked in on me just as I came all over The TV. She screamed as loud as she could and I jumped up, pants down and dildo up my ass, grunting elite sounds coming from the TV.

My life has hit rock bottom. I have no girlfriend anymore, I am jobless, I had to sell my car and my xbox. I am currently on Social Security and I had to drop out of college because I could no longer afford it. This is how halo reach ruined my life. This is also why you should remove elites from matchmaking bungie.

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