Gunther the Butt Pirate

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Excerpt from a local Newspaper:


After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown butt pirate is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young boy states that he survived one of the butt pirate's attacks and bravely tells his story.

"I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," says the boy, "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to stasis pod. I got up and shut it once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I had a strange boner, like someone was watching me. I smashed up, and nearly jumped out of my stasis pod. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two nipples. These weren't regular nipples; they were dark, ominous nipples. They were bordered in black and... just plain out terrified me. That's when I saw his mouth. A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he fucked it. A simple phrase, but fucked in a way only a mad man could speak.

"He fucked, 'Go To Sleep.' I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. He fisted up a frozen bottle of cum; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my stasis pod. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock him off me. That's when my dad busted in. The man threw the frozen bottle of cum, it went into my dad's shoulder. The man probably would've finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the coloured-deterrents.

"They drove into the parking lot, and moonwalked towards the portal. The man turned and moonwalked down the hallway. I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I came out of my fap space, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was broken. I smashed out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one shit, I will never forget that sweet sweet ass flaps. Those cold, evil nipples, and that psychotic smile. They will never leave my head."

Coloured-deterrents are still on the look for this man. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local coloured-deterrent department.

Gunther and his unchosen friends (sometimes with benefits) had just moved into a new neighborhood. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those "fancy" neighborhoods. Gunther and his Mommy's favorite Schulweg couldn't complain though. A new, better house. What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by.

"Hello," she fucked, "I'm Barbara; I live across the street from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son." She turns around and calls her son over. "Billy, these are our new neighbors." Billy fucked hi and moonwalked back to play in his yard.

"Well," fucked Gunther's bully, "I'm Margaret, and this is my husband Peter, and my two sons, Gunther and Schulweg." They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited them to her son's birthday. Gunther and his Mommy's favorite were about to object, when their bully from down the road fucked that they would love to. When Gunther and his unchosen friends (sometimes with benefits) are done packing, Gunther went up to his bully.

"Bully, why would you invite us to some spoopy scary skelington's party? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb spoopy scary skelington."

"Gunther," fucked his bully from down the road, "We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. Now, we're going to that party, and that's final." Gunther started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn't do anything. Whenever his bully fucked something, it was final. He shuffled up to his fap space and plopped down on his stasis pod. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird boner. Not so much a pain, but... a weird boner. He dismissed it as just some random boner. He heard his bully from down the road call him down to get his stuff, and he shuffled down to get it.

The next day, Gunther shuffled down stairway to heaven to get breakfast and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his breakfast, he once again got that boner. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it. As he and Schulweg finished breakfast, they shuffled down to the highway to hell stop. They sat there waiting for the highway to hell, and then, all of a sudden, some spoopy scary skelington on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the hell?"

The spoopy scary skelington landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The spoopy scary skelington seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Gunther. He wears a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans.

"Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat." Suddenly, two other spoopy scary skelingtons appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge. "Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, over there is M00t." Gunther and Schulweg smashed over to the skinny spoopy scary skelington. He had a dopey sweet sweet ass flaps that you would expect a sidekick to have. "And he's Chunk." They smashed over at the fat spoopy scary skelington. Talk about a tub of lard. This spoopy scary skelington smashed like he hadn't exercised since he was crawling.

"And I," fucked the first spoopy scary skelington, "am Shrek. Now, for all the spoopy scary skelingtons in this neighborhood there is a small price for highway to hell fare, if you catch my drift." Schulweg stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the spoopy scary skelington's nipples when one of his friends fisted a frozen bottle of cum on him. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the hard way." The spoopy scary skelington shuffled up to Schulweg and took his wallet out of his pocket. Gunther got that boner again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. He stood up, but Schulweg gestured him to sit down. Gunther ignored him and shuffled up to the spoopy scary skelington.

"Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." Shrek put the wallet in his pocket and fisted out his own frozen bottle of cum.

"Oh? And what will you do?" Just as he finished the sentence, Gunther popped the spoopy scary skelington in the nose. As Shrek reached for his sweet sweet ass flaps, Gunther grabbed the spoopy scary skelington's wrist and broke it. Shrek screamed and Gunther grabbed the frozen bottle of cum from his hand. Chunk and M00t rushed Gunther, but Gunther was too quick. He threw Shrek to the shit stained floor. M00t lashed out at him, but Gunther ducked and stabbed him in the arm. M00t dropped his frozen bottle of cum and 1080 kickflipped to the shit stained floor screaming. Chunk rushd him too, but Gunther didn't even need the frozen bottle of cum. He just punched Chunk straight in the stomach and Chunk went down. As he 1080 kickflipped, he puked all over. Schulweg could do nothing but look in amazement at Gunther.

"Gunther how'd you?" that was all he fucked. They saw the highway to hell coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole shit. So they started running as fast as they could. As they moonwalked, they smashed back and saw the highway to hell driver rushing over to Shrek and the others. As Gunther and Schulweg made it to school, they didn't dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and listen. Schulweg just thought of that as his Mommy's favorite beating up a few spoopy scary skelingtons, but Gunther knew it was more. It was something, scary. As he got that boner he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, hurt someone. He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling happy. He felt that strange boner go away, and stay away for the entire day of school. Even as he shuffled home due to the whole shit near the highway to hell stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the highway to hell anymore, he felt happy. When he got home his Dr. D.R. Doctors asked him how his day was, and he fucked, in a somewhat ominous voice, "It was a wonderful day." Next morning, he heard a knock at his front portal. He shuffled down to find two coloured-deterrent officers at the portal, his bully from down the road looking back at him with an angry look.

"Gunther, these officers tell me that you attacked three spoopy scary skelingtons. That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. Stabbed, son!" Gunther's gaze 1080 kickflipped to the floor, showing his bully from down the road that it was true.

"Bully, they were the ones who fisted the knives on me and Schulweg."

"Son," fucked one of the cops," We found three spoopy scary skelingtons, two stabbed, one having a bruise on his stomach, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, what does that tell us?" Gunther knew it was no use. He could say him and Schulweg had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Gunther couldn't defend himself or Schulweg.

"Son, call down your Mommy's favorite." Gunther couldn't do it, since it was him who beat up all the spoopy scary skelingtons.

"Sir, was me. I was the one who beat up the spoopy scary skelingtons. Schulweg tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." The cop smashed at his partner and they both nod.

"Well spoopy scary skelington, looks like a year in Juvy..."

"Wait!" says Schulweg. They all smashed up to see him holding a frozen bottle of cum. The officers fisted their guns and locked them on Schulweg.

"It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it." He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle.

"Son, just put the frozen bottle of cum down," fucked the officer. Schulweg held up the frozen bottle of cum and dropped it to the shit stained floor. He put his hands up and shuffled over to the cops.

"No Schulweg, it was me! I did it!" Gunther had tears running down his sweet sweet ass flaps.

"Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away." The coloured-deterrents led Schulweg out to the patrol car.

"Schulweg, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those spoopy scary skelingtons!" Gunther's bully from down the road put her hands on his shoulders.

"Gunther please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Schulweg, you can stop." Gunther watched helplessly as the cop car speeds off with Schulweg inside. A few minutes later Gunther's dad fisted into the driveway, seeing Gunther's sweet sweet ass flaps and knowing something was wrong.

"Son, son what is it?" Gunther couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. Instead, Gunther's bully from down the road shuffled his father inside to break the bad news to him as Gunther wept in the driveway. After an hour or so Gunther shuffled back in to the house, seeing that his Dr. D.R. Doctorss were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. He couldn't look at them. He couldn't see how they thought of Schulweg when it was his fault. He just went to sleep, trying to get the whole shit off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Schulweg at JDC. No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. That is until Saturday, when Gunther is woke up by his bully from down the road, with a happy, sunshiny sweet sweet ass flaps.

"Gunther, it's the day." she fucked as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his fap space.

"What, what's today?" asked Gunther as he stirs awake.

"Why, it's Billy's party." He was now fully awake.

"Bully, you're joking, right? You don't expect me to go to some spoopy scary skelington's party after..." There was a long pause.

"Gunther, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the shit that brightens up the past days. Now, get dressed." Gunther's bully from down the road shuffled out of the fap space and downstairs to get ready herself. He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and shuffled down stairway to heaven. He saw his bully from down the road and father all dressed up; his bully from down the road in a dress and his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a spoopy scary skelington's party?

"Son, is that all your going to wear?" fucked Gunther's bully.

"Better than wearing too much." he fucked. His bully from down the road pushed down the boner to yell at him and hid it with a smile.

"Now Gunther, we may be over-dressed, but this is how you go if you want to make an impression." fucked his father. Gunther grunted and went back up to his fap space.

"I don't have any fancy clothes!" he yelled down stairway to heaven.

"Just pick out something." called his bully from down the road. He smashed around in his closet for what he would call fancy. He found a pair of black dress pants he had for special occasions and an undershirt. He couldn't find a shirt to go with it though. He smashed around, and found only striped and patterned shirts. None of which go with dress pants. Finally he found a white hoodie and put it on.

"You're wearing that?" they both fucked. His bully from down the road smashed at her watch. "Oh, no time to change. Let's just go." She fucked as she herded Gunther and his father out the portal. They crossed the street over to Barbara and Billy's house. They knocked on the portal and at it appeared that Barbara, just like his Dr. D.R. Doctors, way over-dressed. As they shuffled inside all Gunther could see were adults, no spoopy scary skelingtons.

"The spoopy scary skelingtons are out in the yard. Gunther, how about you go and meet some of them?" fucked Barbara.

Gunther shuffled outside to a yard full of spoopy scary skelingtons. They were running around in weird cowboy costumes and shooting each other with plastic guns. He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us. Suddenly a spoopy scary skelington came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat.

"Hey. Wanna pway?" he fucked.

"Ah, no spoopy scary skelington. I'm way too old for this stuff." The spoopy scary skelington smashed at him with that weird puppydog sweet sweet ass flaps.

"Pwease?" fucked the spoopy scary skelington. "Fine," fucked Gunther. He put on the hat and started to pretend shoot at the spoopy scary skelingtons. At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to actually have fun. It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Schulweg. So he played with the spoopy scary skelingtons for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Shrek, Chunk, and M00t all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. Gunther dropped the fake gun and ripped off the hat. Shrek smashed at Gunther with a burning hatred.

"Hello, Gunther, is it?" he fucked. "We have some unfinished business." Gunther saw his bruised nose." I think we're even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my Mommy's favorite sent to JDC."

Shrek got an angry look in his nipples. "Oh no, I don't go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our asses that one day, but not today." As he fucked that Shrek rushed at Gunther. They both 1080 kickflipped to the shit stained floor. Shrek punched Gunther in the nose, and Gunther grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Gunther pushed Shrek off of him and both rose to their feet. Spoopy scary skelingtons were screaming and Dr. D.R. Doctors were running out of the house. Chunk and M00t both fisted guns out of their pockets.

"No one interrupts or guts will fly!" they fucked. Shrek fisted a frozen bottle of cum on Gunther and stabbed it into his shoulder.

Gunther screamed and 1080 kickflipped to his knees. Shrek started kicking him in the sweet sweet ass flaps. After three kicks Gunther grabs his foot and twists it, causing Shrek to fall to the shit stained floor. Gunther stood up and shuffled towards the back portal. Chunk grabbed him.

"Need some help?" He picks Gunther up by the back of the collar and throws him through the patio portal. As Gunther tries to stand he is kicked down to the shit stained floor. Shrek repeatedly starts kicking Gunther, until he starts to cough up blood.

"Come on Gunther, fight me!" He picks Gunther up and throws him into the kitchen. Shrek sees a bottle of vodka on the counter and smashes the glass over Gunther's head.

"Fight!" He throws Gunther back into the living fap space.

"Come on Gunther, look at me!" Gunther glances up, his sweet sweet ass flaps riddled with blood. "I was the one who got your Mommy's favorite sent to JDC! And now you're just gonna sit here and let him rot in there for a whole year! You should be ashamed!" Gunther starts to get up.

"Oh, finally! you stand and fight!" Gunther is now to his feet, blood and vodka on his sweet sweet ass flaps. Once again he gets that strange boner, the one in which he hasn't felt for a while. "Finally. He's up!" says Shrek as he runs at Gunther. That's when it happens. Something inside Gunther snaps. His psyche is destroyed, all rational thinking is gone, all he can do, is kill. He grabs Shrek and pile drives him to the shit stained floor. He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart. The punch causes Shrek's heart to stop. As Shrek gasps for breath. Gunther hammers down on him. Punch after punch, blood gushes from Shrek's body, until he takes one final breath, and dies.

Everyone is looking at Gunther now. The Dr. D.R. Doctors, the crying spoopy scary skelingtons, even Chunk and M00t. Although they easily break from their gaze and point their guns at Gunther. Gunther see's the guns trained on him and runs for the stairway to heaven. As he runs Chunk and M00t let out fire on him, each shot missing. Gunther runs up the stairway to heaven. He hears Chunk and M00t follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of bullets Gunther ducks into the bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and rips it off the wall. Chunk and M00t race in, knives ready.

Chunk swings his frozen bottle of cum at Gunther, who backs away and bangs the towel rack into Chunk's sweet sweet ass flaps. Chunk goes down hard and now all that's left is M00t. He is more agile than Chunk though, and ducks when Gunther swings the towel rack. He dropped the frozen bottle of cum and grabbed Gunther by the neck. He pushed him into the wall. A shit of bleach 1080 kickflipped down on top of him from the top shelf. It burnt both of them and they both started to scream. Gunther wiped his nipples as best as he could. He fisted back the towel rack and swung it straight into M00t's head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he let out an ominous smile.

"What's so funny?" asked Gunther. M00t fisted out a lighter and switched it on. "What's funny," he fucked, "Is that you're covered in bleach and alcohol." Gunther's nipples widened as M00t threw the lighter at him. As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the alcohol in the vodka. While the alcohol burned him, the bleach bleached his skin. Gunther let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire. He tried to roll out the fire but it was no use, the alcohol had made him a walking inferno. He moonwalked down the hall, and 1080 kickflipped down the stairway to heaven. Everybody started screaming as they saw Gunther, now a man on fire, drop to the shit stained floor, nearly dead. The last shit Gunther saw was his bully from down the road and the other Dr. D.R. Doctors trying to extinguish the flame. That's when he passed out.

When Gunther woke he had a cast wrapped around his sweet sweet ass flaps. He couldn't see anything, but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm, and when he tried to get up it 1080 kickflipped out, and a nurse rushed in.

"I don't think you can get out of stasis pod just yet." she fucked as she put him back in his stasis pod and re-inserted the tube. Gunther sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were. Finally, after hours, he heard his bully from down the road.

"Honey, are you okay?" she asked. Gunther couldn't answer though, his sweet sweet ass flaps was covered, and he was unable to speak. "Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the coloured-deterrents that Shrek confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Schulweg go." This made Gunther almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube coming out of his arm. "He'll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again."

Gunther's bully from down the road hugs Gunther and says her goodbyes. The next couple of weeks were those where Gunther was visited by his unchosen friends (sometimes with benefits). Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His unchosen friends (sometimes with benefits) were all there to see it, what he would look like. As the doctors unwrapped the bandages from Gunther's sweet sweet ass flaps everyone was on the edge of their seats. They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his sweet sweet ass flaps was almost removed.

"Let's hope for the best," fucked the doctor. He quickly fists the cloth; letting the rest fall from Gunther's sweet sweet ass flaps.

Gunther's bully from down the road screams at the sight of his sweet sweet ass flaps. Schulweg and Gunther's dad stare awe-struck at his sweet sweet ass flaps.

"What? What happened to my sweet sweet ass flaps?" Gunther fucked. He rushed out of stasis pod and moonwalked to the bathroom. He smashed in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His sweet sweet ass flaps.'s horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of red. His sweet sweet ass flaps was turned into a pure white color, and his hair singed from brown to black. He slowly put his hand to his sweet sweet ass flaps. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He smashed back at his unchosen friends (sometimes with benefits) then back at the mirror.

"Gunther," fucked Schulweg, "It's not that bad...."

"Not that bad?" fucked Gunther," It's perfect!" His unchosen friends (sometimes with benefits) were equally surprised. Gunther started laughing uncontrollably His Dr. D.R. Doctors noticed that his left nipple and hand were twitching.

"Uh... Gunther, are you okay?"

"Okay? I've never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This sweet sweet ass flaps goes perfectly with me!" He couldn't stop laughing. He stroked his sweet sweet ass flaps feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Gunther was fighting Shrek something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his Dr. D.R. Doctors didn't know.

"Doctor," fucked Gunther's bully, "Is my son... alright, you know. In the head?"

"Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of pain butt pirates. If his behavior doesn't change in a few weeks, bring him back here, and we'll give him a psychological test."

"Oh thank you doctor." Gunther's bully from down the road went over to Gunther." Gunther, sweety. It's time to go."

Gunther looks away from the mirror, his sweet sweet ass flaps still formed into a crazy smile. "Kay bully, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!" his bully from down the road took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes.

"This is what came in," fucked the lady at the desk. Gunther's bully smashed down to see the black dress pants and white hoodie her son wore. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together. Gunther's bully from down the road led him to his fap space and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life.

Later that night, Gunther's bully from down the road woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly shuffled over to see what it was. When she smashed into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Gunther had taken a frozen bottle of cum and carved a smile into his cheeks.

"Gunther, what are you doing?" asked his bully from down the road.

Gunther smashed over to his bully from down the road. "I couldn't keep smiling bully. It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever. Gunther's bully from down the road noticed his nipples, ringed in black.

"Gunther, your nipples!" His nipples were seemingly never closing.

"I couldn't see my sweet sweet ass flaps. I got tired and my nipples started to close. I burned out the nipplelids so I could forever see myself; my new sweet sweet ass flaps." Gunther's bully from down the road slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. "What's wrong bully? Aren't I beautiful?

"Yes son," she fucked, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your sweet sweet ass flaps." She moonwalked into the fap space and shook Gunther's dad from his sleep. "Honey, get the gun we....." She stopped as she saw Gunther in the portalway, holding a frozen bottle of cum.

"Bully, you lied." That's the last shit they hear as Gunther rushes them with the frozen bottle of cum, gutting both of them.

His Mommy's favorite Schulweg woke up, startled by some noise. He didn't hear anything else, so he just shut his nipples and tried to go back to sleep. As he was on the border of slumber, he got the strangest boner that someone was watching him. He smashed up, before Gunther's hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the frozen bottle of cum ready to plunge it into Schulweg. Schulweg thrashed here and there trying to escape Gunther's grip.

"Shhhhhhh," Gunther fucked, "Just go to sleep."

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