Ass Specumetry

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...Or in all situations, at any time, any place, and by any audience for that matter.

My brother won't stop calling my work "ass specumetry" and I don't know what to do.

I have been working in mass spectrometry for nearly 5 years. I take pride in my work and, with all due humility, I believe I have done more to advance the field than most others. However, this past weekend, my brother visited and would not stop denigrating my work.

"You still doing ass specumetry?" He said. I sat back, in shock. My profession is one that advances the frontiers of technology and gives physicians the bedrock information needed to save lives. I told him as much, and went on to describe my work in tandem mass tagging to multiplex up to 18 samples at once. Obviously, he would now see how essential my work was and would cease his distasteful comments.

"I multisex up to 18 bitches at once with tandem ass tapping". He replied, not even batting an eye to my exceptionally well-orated argument. I was now fuming. Not only had he not listened to a word I said, but he also used virulently sexist language. I am an ardent feminist and hope that a member of the finer sex would one day deign to speak to me. I told him that his language was hateful and that there was no such thing as tandem ass tapping. He looked at me, and pointedly asked me how I would know.

I spluttered, red in the face and unable to draw up a response. He knew that I had never done the deed, and am still as pure and virginal as my S-Trapped desalted peptide sample. Finally, I found my words and told him that I was too focused on my work. Me and my 300lb frame could have the pick of the ladies (notice how I said ladies instead of 'bitches', because I am a gentleman).

"Oh yeah?" he replied, clearly unconvinced "why don't you make a DIA method to get some pussy for your dick". Now I became truly enraged, not because of his insult but because of his semi-incomprehensible use of sacred mass spectrometry terminology.

Roaring as loud as the pump on my Thermo Orbitrap Exploris 480tm, I grabbed his head and slammed it into the wall harder than ions slamming into an HCD cell, hoping to sequence his skull fragments. The next few minutes were a blur, but when I came back to my senses, I realized that De Novo Sequencing was not actually possible for bone. I grabbed some MCP papers scattered across the floor and tried to soak up some of the blood but to no avail. In the end, all I could do was splatter some Solvent B on his body to remove my fingerprints and immediately dash out the door.

I have been on the run ever since. I managed to barter some platinum wire and an ion transfer tube for a plane ticket to the western Donbas. There, I hope to help the war effort with my cutting-edge LC-MS/MS knowledge. I'm currently on the plane now with a time-of-flight of 18 hours. I took this time to think over my actions and come to you for help. Even though I miss my brother, he was being intransigent and I don't regret my actions. AITA?


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